Not having you here to smack

So Stupid..

The other night, i messed up. M was angry, annoyed and i think frustrated. It was stupid, i was stupid. Such a silly thing to mess up on. To be honest, i don't get in trouble much but when i do it's usually over something bad, real bad. Even more reason for why yesterday was so.. blah. How could i be so stupid?

i hate getting punished. i guess you're suppose to right?
When my mind reaches the point where it understands and accepts i've done something wrong, i punish myself harder then He ever can. Even when its all over, and i'm forgiven. He's smiling again and everything is back to normal. Back to a place where it seems my mistake never even happened. I'm in tears, feeling like the worst person in the world for letting Him down. Sad and upset about the fact that I disappointed Him.

It doesn't make sense, He's ok and even forgave me. Why cant i forgive myself?

Something he said last night i cant shake from my mind "it is so frustrating not having you here to smack when I'm angry with you". He's right, it is frustrating and in a way i keep telling myself that punishment would be so much easier (ok that sounds wrong, better might be a more true word) if He could do just that, send me to my room for being a bad girl and cuddle me after. Sigh, sometimes things are just harder then what they need to be.